2012: Embracing Apocalypse.

I have tried to write a blog post for the past month, but kept trailing off in little wispy curls of directionless prose.  I’ve been wrestling with something, but I haven’t been able to verbalize it.

Epiphanies have been strafing me like machine gun fire, and I have been ducking and covering and basically running around like a bipolar chicken.

On the plus side:

I’m not getting these epiphanies as a result of life changing loss or incredible pain.

The creative block I’d been suffering is turning over more quickly, and the insights I’m getting are a lot richer.

The stuff that I see heading towards me is incredibly exciting.

On the rough side:

I see a lot of changes.

Epiphanies, while valuable, are also normally a pain in the ass.

Not being blocked means actually doing the work, which has also traditionally been… well, laborious.

And I haven’t actively pursued “excitement” for about half a decade.

Why the blog’s been dark.

I had been wrestling with goals for this blog, and for my writing career.  I’m a freelance writer, teacher, editor.  I’ll say it:  income has been an issue.

So I was stressing, and plotting, and trying to figure out the most logical, efficient, effective way of achieving said goals, meeting my income needs, while simultaneously taking care of my son and myself in the most sane way possible.

And all of a sudden, I got a sort of sneaking premonition, a bunch of coincidences… and a smack on the head.

“Leap, and the net will appear.”

Ever heard that one?

Yeah, me too.  And I’ve gleefully believed it.  I’ve quit jobs to write full time. (A couple of times!)  I’ve lived the bohemian artist/frathouse life.

Then I had my son, and thought “well, yes, but leaping doesn’t actually apply to people who need to pay bills to take care of their kids.”

It’s the thing writers struggle with.  How do I find time to write, and promote, and work, and… and… and..?

But I don’t know how it happened, or when, but I realized: now is exactly the time I need to be leaping.

2012:  Screw goals.

I’m not planning goals in the traditional way this coming year.  No benchmarks. No milestones. No action plan.

Instead, I’m looking at what I want to feel like.  I don’t want to be stressed the way I have been.  I’m not going to be desperate.  Why?

Because I know the damned thing works out.

My life is my story.  Right now, I just got out of a pinch point and I’m heading for the midpoint: when the character (me) goes from passively reacting and figuring out what’s going on  to taking an active approach to the story goal.

This year, I’m going to be leaping.  For me, 2012 is going to be an experiment in extreme faith. I’ve got a checklist of stuff I want to do each month, like walking my talk, doing something new, and focusing on self-care and creativity, and fun.  Not in detail, mind you.  Just “this is what I want in this month.”

I’m going to be documenting this experiment on the blog in the coming year.  I may be absolutely nuts, but if anybody has ever said “follow your bliss” and “things will work out” — well, here’s the clinical trial, baby.

I am scared as hell.  But I am also going.

Anybody who’s up for a little trip — grab the handbasket.  Let’s do this thing.